remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
