Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
