I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
