I didn't shave. On purpose
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
