A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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