True but thats because hes a fetus.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
