Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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