The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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