I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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