My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
