so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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