Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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