saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
