Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
