apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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