ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
