I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
