I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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