Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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