I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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