My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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