No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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