Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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