So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
