12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
NoShamevember. You game?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
