y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize