Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
