Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
