I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
