I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
