Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
