dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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