I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
