i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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