youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
