Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
