I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
