I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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