dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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