you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
