Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
