this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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