i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
