I wannas sexs uuuuu
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
