youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
