Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
