I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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