I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
