I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
