I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
