i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
