he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
