great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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