I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
