he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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