I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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