You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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