3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
