shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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