I've blown a few things in my day
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
