If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
