I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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